We’re live here at the Kid’s Sports Oscars after a tremendous trip down the red carpet with the washed-up child actors of the 1990s. Follow us here for up-to-the-minute analysis on the winners as the award show will likely last throughout the week. Who will take home the prestigious Ball Trophy? Only time will tell.
After a crazy first round of Video Awards (You can check out the winners here), we will move on to the more serious awards. The eighth category to be announced, and second of the Part One categories, will be for Best Character to Crush On. But before we announce the winner, let’s first take a moment to break down the nominees.
Best Character to Crush On
1. Becky, “Rookie of the Year”
2. Wendy Peffercorn, “The Sandlot”
3. Julie “The Cat” Gaffney, “D2: The Mighty Ducks”
4. Becky “The Ice Box” O’Shea, “Little Giants”
5. Junior Floyd, “Little Giants”
Likely the most unknown, Becky from “Rookie of the Year” is nonetheless a dark-horse candidate for the Kid’s Sports Oscar, an ironic moniker given her relatively light skin tones. Relatively anonymous throughout most of the movie, she grows attracted to our hero, Henry Rowengartner. Though unstated, their attraction grows to such levels that she probably let him have a row in her gartners. The relationship between the Madonna-like Becky — both in raw sexual magnetism and absence of a surname — and Rowengartner blossoms to new heights when they hit the open waters together in the crew’s canoe, an obvious symbol of the pre-teen relationship sailing into the unknown.
Undoubtedly the oldest crush item on this list, Wendy Peffercorn from “The Sandlot” might very well be the most sizzling. The desirable lifeguard, perched atop her phallic chair, evokes images of a 1960s male-dominated society. Once an idealized figure of unattainable beauty to the sandlot boys, she eventually succumbs to Michael “Squints” Palledorous’ blatant advances and marries the poor-visioned child. Even though the viewer wonders why she didn’t go for the older and more experienced Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez, the picture to the right tells the whole story. She, like her future lover, squints, likely to get a closer look at the pre-pubescent child who has her lady boner raging so fiercely. And just like Palledorous fakes CPR to secure one kiss, so too must we the viewers tuck our erections into our waistbands, and fake like we just had to perform a typical rearrangement down there.
“Meow,” we want to say whenever Juile “The Cat” Gaffney appears in “D2: The Mighty Ducks,” her Bangor, Maine beauty resonating through those bulky goalie pads. A little-used reserve through much of the Goodwill Games, Gaffney brings Team USA glory in crunch time, stopping Gunner Stahl’s penalty shot — and with it his blonde, Icelandic, sexual advances — to give the Americans the gold. Her sexiness is mirrored in her skills. From the moment she arrives on screen, stopping shot after shot in the hockey girl’s version of a sports mating call, we are smitten. Her stoic demeanor and fierce competitiveness make her an ultimate crush candidate.
Gaffney may compete on a hockey rink, but Becky “The Ice Box” O’Shea from “Little Giants” is the true ice queen, stunning the kids with her cuteness, unlikely football abilities and bone-crushing hits. For some reason, she becomes less attractive when she becomes a cheerleader for the Cowboys, and the image of her storming out of the locker room, skirt (for some reason) still on and eye-black framing her face, is enough to solidify her as a legitimate crush item. I mean, fuck, she drives a go-kart. How awesome is that? Plus, if we’ve learned anything, it’s that naming a character Becky instantly makes her appealing to preteen boys.
O’Shea’s on-screen counterpart, Junior Floyd from “Little Giants,” is quite the heartthrob himself. He possesses the desirable everyman quality, spurning the rich Cowboys for the underdog Giants. He practices football by throwing toilet paper into shopping carts, and his baby blue uniform really brings out his irresistible eyes. How could he not win?
And the winner is…
Come on. She’s the only one who wasn’t underage when the movie was filmed.
…She was 19. Goddamnit.