Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak has been bad-mouthing Toyota in the press after his accelerator malfunctioned, leading to speculation of the next Apple device: a car that’s too big to fit in a garage but not powerful enough to drive.  Possible names for the revolutionary new device include iStay, iHavenowheretogo, and iBoughtthis.

Google has joined forces with the National Security Agency to investigate last year’s attacks on Google’s cybersecurity.  This is bad news for computer hackers, because now the NSA will know what will happen tomorrow on 4chan.

Scientists have discovered the color of a species of dinosaur.  Meanwhile, creationists have confirmed the color of God.  Still going with white.

Because of the clouds.  Clouds are white.

An immigration hearing for President Barack Obama’s African aunt ended Thursday without an immediate decision in her second bid for asylum in the United States. Wow…the Obamas really can’t get anything done.

Mel Gibson apologized for calling a reporter an “asshole” when WGN reporter Dean Richards asked him about his DUI arrest in 2006. Gibson claims that he didn’t mean to say “asshole”, but rather, “I hate Jews.”

President Obama and the Democrats relinquished a crucial Senate seat Thursday as Republican Scott Brown of Massachusetts was sworn in to replace the late Sen. Edward M. Kennedy. With his hand on a copy of Cosmo, Sen. Brown said his oath, and immediately went to work.

Ladies, want to know 72 secret senate sex tips to try on your man?

Iran announced Wednesday it launched a menagerie of animals — including a mouse, two turtles and worms — into space on a research rocket, a feat President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said showed Iran could defeat the West in the battle of technology. Iran also announced that it had just perfected a machine that sends copies of documents over telephone wires, and they expect it to be a big hit.

Scientists have detected glimmers of awareness in some vegetative brain-injury patients and have even communicated with one of them — findings that push the boundaries of how to assess and care for such people. Wow, now I feel really bad for calling Terry Schiavo fat.

Saying he wanted to reduce the nation’s “dependence on foreign oil,” President Barack Obama on Wednesday announced new initiatives to promote alternative fuels. The president’s new policy would see power plants burn, instead of oil and coal, the hopes and dreams of liberal America.

Burning any hope of a public option is very environmentally friendly